An Unplugged Weekend to Hear my Inner Voice
I don’t remember the last time I’d been alone for more than a few hours and every time I am, I end up disappointed in how I spent it. —scroll, scroll, scroll. — rabbit hole.—distract. —repeat.
By Kerri Ann Colby, Kindred Roots Business Manager
As the only non-therapist on a team of therapists, I am regularly the recipient of ‘drip therapy.’ If you and your co-workers talk about sports and TV in the break room at your workplace, here at Kindred Roots our team is often sharing deep truths and insights about life and relationships. (Don’t get me wrong, there has also been a lot of discussion about ‘Love is Blind’)
As someone who would happily take a deep conversation with one or two friends over a shallow social gathering, it’s one of the things I love most about working here. However, since I started in November, I’ve been getting just enough insight and information to know that I’ve got some personal issues that need attention.
I knew I did. No one gets 5 decades into life without some terrible shit happening. But other than sporadically seeing a therapist myself over the years, I’ve never really dug deep enough to get anywhere. I mean, who has time for that, right?
But more and more in the past few months, I’ve felt the need to tackle it. Maybe it’s the empty nest and finally having more time and energy for myself, or maybe it’s working here and welcoming all the brave clients who are making the time and investment in healing so that they can enjoy their lives fully.
Over this past long weekend, I decided it was time to make the time. But I also knew that first I had to get rid of any distractions.
First up was my husband. I was worried about ‘kicking him out’ but also knew it was necessary. You see, I really, really like my husband and if given the choice, I’d rather hang out with him than do anything else. That’s only a problem when you really need to get other things done. I was nervous to ask him for fear that he would interpret it as rejection, but after a little pep-talk from Allegra (drip, drip, drip), I simply told him what I needed and he was happy to provide it. He made arrangements to spend the weekend at his mom’s and just like that I was making plans to be ALONE.
I don’t remember the last time I’d been alone for more than a few hours and every time I am, I end up disappointed with myself in how I spent it.
Scroll, scroll, scroll. ----- Rabbit hole.----- Distract. Repeat.
I know you know. It’s probably one of the biggest problems in modern society. Very few of us are immune to its impacts.
So, if I was going to do this, I knew I needed to commit to myself to be truly alone and not tied in any way to followers, algorithms, or the many undone things on my ‘to-do’ or ‘must watch’ lists.
No phone. No computer. No TV.
Just the idea made me very uncomfortable, and that’s when I knew it was necessary. At bedtime Friday night, I turned off my devices and vowed not to turn them on until Monday morning.
From the moment I opened my eyes on Saturday morning, I felt the void left by technology. Not only did I not have an alarm clock, I didn’t even know what time it was until I wandered into the kitchen to look at the clock on the stove.
Then there was the silence. Without access to my streaming services, podcasts, and library of music I had nothing. Just me, the dog, and my emotional support cat. Also, they were both SO CUTE that I can’t even tell you how many times I mentally reached for my phone to take photos of them.
So, I read; a real book, not on my Kindle.
I had a bubble bath.
I read.
I napped.
I went for a walk (without my ear pods).
I wrote letters (on paper!) to people I love, people I used to love, people who are no longer alive and even to myself.
I read some more. I wrote some more.
Then, a strange thing happened. The discomfort subsided and was replaced by an inner knowing. I heard my own voice and the thoughts in my head. But unlike a normal day, this time, my thoughts were calm and focused and I could follow them all the way to the end without stopping to google a related thought.
By Sunday morning, when I woke up, I still didn’t know what time it was and I realized it didn’t really matter anyway.
I went for a walk and didn’t know how far I’d walked or for how long and not once did I close an exercise target set for me by the watch I wasn’t wearing.
I noticed the birds chirping in the trees and the homes on my route that I’ve probably walked past hundreds of times. Have they always been there? I wonder why I’ve never noticed before.
Wait, I know why. Distraction. I’m always thinking about what I could do, did do, should do, and need to do, and most of it can be done right now with the device I carry in my pocket.
When my husband came home on Sunday afternoon, I felt relaxed and renewed and had done a lot of deep inner work. I felt like I’d been on a retreat. He felt it too, and agreed to continue the rest of the experiment together. So Sunday night was spent in conversation and quiet. Instead of Netflix and chill we played a board game and had a bubble bath. I slept like a baby.
Monday morning marked the end of my experiment and I must say, when it came time to turn my phone back on, I was dreading it. How many notifications would I have? What did I miss? I could feel the familiar flood of anxiety in my body just at the thought.
I did it anyway. And it wasn’t so bad. Honestly, I didn’t miss much.
I do recognize that avoiding technology long-term isn’t viable in my life. I couldn’t do my job or even communicate with my kids if I didn’t embrace it. The real problem is how pervasive I’ve allowed it to become and how being ‘connected’ has resulted in a ‘disconnection’ from self.
Disconnecting for the weekend wasn't just about taking a break from technology; it was about reconnecting with myself and the world around me and at the end of it, I did feel more connected in that way.
Just like all other vices, tech use is all about balance. So going forward, I have decided to try a more intentional approach to technology. On weekends, I’m going to try to keep my phone off and only turn it on to do something specific (like contact my kids, plan our weekly menu on Pinterest, look up what time a movie starts) and then put it down and walk away.
When we sit down on the couch and turn on the TV, it will be to watch one singular movie or a defined number of episodes, and then we’ll turn it off and do something else rather than wait until we have binge-watched an entire series and Netflix has shamed us by asking, “Are you still watching…”
I’m glad that I decided to follow the inner whispers that suggested I try this. If you're also feeling overwhelmed by the digital world, I highly recommend giving it a try. You might be surprised at what you discover about yourself.